Why We’re So Much Harder on Ourselves Than We Realize

One thing I talk about often in therapy is how unfair we can be to ourselves.

Not intentionally — but in the way we pay attention.

If you were to take a piece of paper and divide it in half, you might label one side:

“What sucks”
“What I’m grateful for”

Then just start filling it out.

What tends to happen is interesting.

On the “what sucks” side, people often include everything, big and small:

-comparing yourself to someone else
-losing patience when you didn’t want to
-putting something off again
-that small mistake that somehow feels bigger than it is
-the look someone gave them
-feeling like you should be further along than you are
-second-guessing a decision
-the thing you said that came out wrong

It fills up quickly.

But on the gratitude side?

People usually only write:

-family
-health
-a job

And then stop.

The Imbalance We Don’t Notice

What you’re left with is something that feels very real:

-a page full of what’s wrong
-and a short list of what’s good

But that doesn’t mean your life is more negative than positive.

It means your attention is imbalanced.

You’re comparing:

-all the negative details

to

-only the biggest positive categories

What Happens When You Even the Scale

What if you approached it differently?

What if the gratitude side included:

-the moment you paused instead of reacting
-a good conversation
-a moment of awe outside
-finishing something you didn’t feel like doing
-a small moment of patience
-taking the time to follow your curiosity

Now the page starts to look different.

Not perfect, but more honest.

Both Are Always There

The truth is:

- the hard stuff is always there
- the good stuff is always there

What shifts is:

- where you place your attention

A Different Way of Seeing Yourself

This isn’t about forced positivity.

It’s about fairness.

Giving equal weight to:

-effort
-growth
-small moments
-and progress

Not just mistakes.

If you’ve been feeling stuck in self-doubt or negativity, it may not be because things are all bad, but because your attention has learned to look in one direction.

Therapy can help you begin to notice that pattern and shift it, gradually and realistically.

I offer therapy in Kailua-Kona and across Hawai‘i through Ho’omau Counseling. You can learn more about therapy for anxiety and therapy for depression, or reach out if it feels like a good fit.